Ravings of the Mad Editor

After many months of various movings and random takeover schemes, Daos is proud to deliver unto you, the proud and cursed possessor, the much-delayed, ultra-improved, latest hot issue of the Oracle newsletter! Apologies to all, but a large reason our esteemed publication hasn't been printed this winter (other than those pesky unforeseen orgies) is that three of our four Zealous Daos brothers (mainly, the bozos who help put together this rag!) have been hard at work setting up our new Daos Headquarters in Southeast Portland, christened officially as the "Brewhouse"! Weekly Monday meetings are now currently being held in our humble little home, and may become the norm for awhile, so relax-- Daos is quite alive and well! We're trying to reinstitute regular weekend Sewing Parties, so give us a ring!

In fact, our unholy influence has been felt strongly by the unknowing populace despite the lack of events at this time of year. Of course, this is when the dastardly dark power of Daos is at its most insane and maddest, which was appropriately ushered in by Morgan's fabulous Halloween Masquerade party (where I was unjustly perceived as a white trash bull dyke! Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!). It was a tasty affair, and I'm sure all of us Daos have developed a more mature appreciation for fine chocolate hereafter. Shocking sights abounded, from that Prophet guy who was forking everybody over to Brew's newfound love for Nair! Needless to say, this was nothing compared to our complete orchestration of the December Ice Storm-- yes, we were responsible for all those slides and broken branches, we can't help it if we get bored! But our boredom was soon quenched by the annual Daos New Year's Eve Festival, where the number of Enlightened who showed up dwarfed our own initial estimates! Thanks to everyone who attended, it was The Best! Nothing like a mass plague of mononucleosis to start the new year off right!
I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize some of our brothers and sisters in this issue who are in the midst of important lifestyle changes. First off, congratulations to Morgan and Buddha for finally receiving their Disciple robes and tabbards, they were long overdue-- the vows of lechery and acting like Uthyr were a crack-up! Unfortunately, Buddha is joining the lovely Madagain for a lengthy stay in Europe... we bid you a temporary adieu, David and Kelly, we will miss you and your important contributions to this cloister. However, we're pleased to report the return of the fetching Fiona from the wilds of California, whose gracious beauty and pugnacious puns will make us happily cringe again! Welcome back, Jessica. And let's not forget the unforgettable Drunken Drake and Sinful Shannon back in Bend, who returned to terrorize us with The Puppets at New Year's-- they promise to annoy us some more this upcoming season, which gladdens this Fool's heart very much! (And here's your damn newsletter, you ingrates! Are you happy!?! Just kidding.)

On a personal note to those in the know, thank you everyone for being so supportive of me in various matters of late. It's good to know true friends still exist in this bizarre world of ours, and because of that Daos will continue to grow and enter the next Millenium. I will pledge to all of you my divine presence at the forthcoming Booger and Fool's Festival events. I cannot gaurantee that I will attend any SCA events as of yet, only time and the fates will decide that... after all, when it comes right down to it, happiness, joy cheese are the only reasons for doing anything, as far as I'm concerned! So, until the Martian Ambassador makes the universal sign of the donut-- SPOOGE!!!

-Randall Gwynplaine the Holy Fool, zealous Apostle of Daos

Zealous Chancellor's Notes

I Brew it! listen to my flatulent blathering, as follows: Ach, ach.. achach ach ach! We are your friends, don't run! I cum in peace. And bring us your money, cause we po'. Ach ach, ya'll.

-Giuseppe, zealous Apostle of Daos


Words of the Prophet

Conplopus say "We Daos. We so horny." With this aged old raisin's wisdom in mind, I have revamped the Daos purpose. It is summed up in the following statement: "Daos seeks to be gooood." I mean real goooooood! I'm not talkin' holy, nor just better than average, my brothers and sisters. I mean pure blissful cooler than cool, I'm so gorgeous I'll make you drool. Good to the last drop, finger lickin' good. Goooody-Gooooody gumdrops good. That's what I'm talkin' about people. Learn it, live it, do it (a lot). And then when you've got your breath back, do it again.

All praise the coming moronium, as the vast majority in bleating ecstasy celebrate the turn of the millennium on the year 1999/2000 instead of when it actually occurs on 2000/2001. Bless their wooly headed dirt-grubbin' bliss. We'll be holding a big bash appropriately named the "Daos Moronium Party" on that precipitous occasion, to properly celebrate the blind stupidity of mankind. All praise the sheep, the meek will inherit the dirt.

-Uthyr the Unorthodox, Prophet of Daos

A Persona History
The History of Michael Leyland, the Cardinal Sin of Daos [or: How I Consumed 477 Different Kinds of Cheeses and Went to the Moon for More] by Michael Leyland, Zealous Disciple of Daos

Innocent III was possibly the greatest of the religious Poops.[Frrapppp!] He was 37 years of age at the time of his election to the Poopacy, and this made him the youngest man to receive the Terrible Tiara of Toto until this time. Because of the length of his reign (19 years) he was able to accomplish much, including dropping many shillings upon the ground so he could easily look up under the little altar girls' dresses. He was possessed by three great ambitions: Capture the Holy Lands, Make the Poopacy the supreme law in Europe, and Wipe out Heresy and the Random Bad Joke. It was Innocent III who sent the two Cistercian monks, Venerable Brother Rainer Beer and Venerable Brother Guido Sarducci to southern France in an attempt to stamp out the heresy among the Albigenses. The failure of the two deluded monks to convert the parting Albigenses back to the boring old ways of the old, decrepit, out-dated Catholic Church resulted in Total War. [Spploortt!]

In 1209, at the Federation Council of Avignon on the planet Kittimer, Innocent III commanded all his Bishops to gather the men of Starfleet in their diocese and order them to do all in their warp power to exterminate the Romulan Heretics. Then, on November 15th, 1215 the Fourth Lateran council met. One of the 70 decrees issued was called Firmiter Credimus [Translated:"My fly is open."]. This called again to fight heresy and a Papal Bull Shit was issued which made it a crime to not expose heretics. At this time a hero of the Crusades, Simon de Montfort of Roquefort Cheese was given the task of going to southern France and taking the Holy War to the Albigenses.

It was there in Southern France that I first made a name for myself. Namely, I took a Crayola crayon and wrote my name on a brick wall, I was a very good boy. But I digress-- it was my Godgiven duty to arrest Vinters, Brewers, and smelly Cheese Makers who were suspected of heresy and to take possession of their confiscated goods. Needless to say I developed a taste for Red Wine, Dark Beers, and Soft Cheese, all of which contributed to my rather loose stool. [Shh-crraap!]

In 1296 King Philip the Fairy of France went to war with the English. To raise funds for his little war he decided to tax the clergy in his domains. Being English and a strict Earl Grey drinker I could not follow this edict in good consciousness,so I petitioned Poop Boniface VIII to allow me to leave France and to travel to the Holy Lands of Vulcan. His Assholiness agreed and so did my senior officers (Mostly because I was eating and drinking all the yummy goods I took and the other bastards didn't get any! HAHAHA!).

I left France and traveled towards the Holy Lands along the legendary Silk Roads, soon finding myself heading to the Orient. One cold October night while traveling through the lands of Windwick I stumbled upon a band of Zealous missionaries who invited me into their pavilion when my poor and pitiful tent would not stand up to the weather. After years of torment and ridicule at the beautiful hands and oversized feet of the bastard Prophet and the evil sons and daughters of the sick and twisted cult of Daos, I became a member of the House Daos Cloister and through my duties I have become a Blessed Zealot Disciple of House Daos. This has given me the chance to reestablish the Inquisition and to continue with my sworn holy duties! [Spooge!]

NO ONE EXPECTS THE HOUSE DAOS INQUISITION!!!
OUR THREE MAIN WEAPONS ARE : FEAR, SURPRISE, LOVE OF SOFT CHEESES AND A RUTHLESS DEVOTION TO THE HOUSE!!!

Let it be known that as my first decree that all those who do not divulge the location of their cheese shall be deemed heretics and thus accordingly tortured as redemption for their sins. [Torture! Maim! Kill!] Second, anyone to be arrested by the Inquisition does so by their own will. This is important because the SCA is supposed to be a place of enjoyment, and the Inquisition is meant to be entertaining to everyone involved. Third, This Inquisition practices the sale of "indulgences": The purchase of an indulgence will grant the redemption of any one sinner, giving them protection from the merciless Inquisition.... However, the price paid, service rendered, or trade carried out must be to the LIKING of the House Daos elders. Fourth and finally, the life of an Inquisitor is full of trials and tribulations [such as stubbing my big left toe in the parking lot]-- but This Inquisition fears NO ONE!!! I have been mobbed, bodily dragged out of my pavilion, tortured in my own stocks, forced to belly dance... I have been kidnapped and deprived of cheese- a Cardinal Sin!!! [Sinners! Die! Die!] In accordance with the Papal Bull Shit issued at the fourth Lateran council it is a crime to NOT divulge the identity of sinners, heretics, letches, misers of cheese and cheaters of tablaro to the House Daos Inquisition!

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I, BLESSED ZEALOT DISCIPLE MICHAEL LEYLAND, DOMINICAN MONK OF HOUSE DAOS HAS REESTABLISHED THE HOLY INQUISITION UNDER THE APPROVAL OF UTHYR VESPERIUS, ORACLE PROPHET OF HOUSE DAOS AS A MEANS TO BRING REVERENCE, ASSMUSEMENT, CHEESE AND WINE TO THE CLOISTER SISTERS AND BROTHERS OF HOUSE DAOS AND ENTERTAINMENT TO THE ENLIGHTENED MASSES OF THE SCA.

Signed, this day of our horde, Nov. 15th 1996
Cardinal Michael Leyland, Blessed Zealot Disciple of House Daos.
The Holy Fool's editorial embellishments have been italicized for your reading pleasure! {Which of course got lost while translating this to a web page!}