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(Warning: This is all just a JOKE! Get it? A J-O-K-E!!
So don't take all this personally, folks. We is just funnin', and our
satirical comments don't necessarily reflect our actual viewpoints on
matters...much. 'Tis the DAOS WAY! And awayyyyyyyy we GO...!- R. & R.)
Pull my finger! Pull my finger! PULL MY FINGER! Do it
now, you know you want to! If you don't, Lord Asshammer will seek you
out and destroy your tidy whities! I mean it now, y'hear, bwahs?! DO
YOU WANNA SEE IT?! DO YA, HUH? Don't make me come out there and hurt
you Daos-type mongrels. Lord Asshammer, kill! KILL! Go kill, now! Fetch!
I, Randall of Daos, do solemnly bequeath half of my
dreaded editorship to my partner in crime and beloved minion and infidel,
to The Spunky Cheese, aka Lord Asshammer, aka Master Fool Sergeant,
aka Loudest (and Most Irritating) House Ninja in the World, The Daos
Secret Weapon, Cheif Torturer (inventor of the Spunky Double-Wedgie
with a Twist and a Half-gainer), Belsac's Bane, Promo King and Favorite
Guest of Town Hall, etc. etc. etc.. In other words, bite my metal shiny
ass, fanboys, 'cuz I'm making ol' Richard here (hey, Dick, where are
ya?!) my esteemed co-editor, because I'm a lazy slacker and the young
ripening girls in the lush green forest need more of my time, y'understand?
Y'hear me? Good. 'Sides, he's the only one more insane than the rest
of us lackeys to properly take up this Fool's rag and wipe his ass with
it (using a hammmer of course, when he's not lining his garbage can
with it). So deal. Lord Asshammer even has his own column in this very
ish, pukin' and purgin' his asshammer ways in most incredible Teletubbie
fashion. Alright, in the words of Mills Lane, let's get it on! Hmm,
let's tackle some of our other fellow members, there's lots of dirt
we've dug up on these foul miscreants.
First of all, let us welcome our new Harlot...oh wait!
Our new PROPHET, and Mistress of the Vapors, the one and only Eden!
Juicy Fruit the Mighty! Bubblicious, Fresh and Fruity, let me taste
your Rooty-Tooty... (given First Lady Christian's permission of course)!
SLAP!! Say, Eden, why are you slapping me, I didn't mean it!? PLEASE
DON'T KILL ME, OH VAPOROUS MISTRESS! I am but a humble bitch, slap your
bitch up! I am SOOOOO sorry, you have no idea! I know you have great
powers beyond reckoning, that is why you are our new sloshed Prophet,
you drunken....(SLAP!!!!) I"m sorry, I'm SORRY, oh JUICY FRUIT! MERCY
UPON THE DIRTY FOOL!! MERCY!!!!!! (SLAP!!!) Say, I'm beginning to like
this....! I'm getting aroused ever so slightly....(SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!)
Hey, dammit, that's starting to hurt! I'm BLEEDING! Where's Sarah the
Black when you need her. Hey girl, are you about done slappin' my sorry
butt with that two-by-four?! It's got a rusty nail on that thing, I
think Spunky would like that much better! Better that you find him to
get out your inner child of angst and frustation than a lowly, LOWLY
pissant clown than I...?! Oh good, you are walking away! Thank you,
oh Mistress of Pain and Delight! I will bite upon this forbidden apple
that you gave me while I pluck out this rusty nail from out of my profusely
bleeding ASSSSSSS. Grumble. Yes, find that Asshammer.....
Hey, now that she is out of earshot, did you know how
filthy drunk our esteemed Prophetess was at her election? Just check
out the picture! No kiddin', she was bloody smashed! But we love her
anyhoo, it does this Fool proud to see her so happy while in a drunken
stupor. Keep it up Juicy Fruit, you made this Fool cry with tears of
joy....
Meanwhile, Father Goose, aka Uthyr the Bastard, is now
officially ex-Prophet of Daos, yet he still promises to enjoy his semi-retirement
in style, remaining in an advisory role as Oracle and a Founder of Daos
while posing as a father figure-type in his new job as substitute teacher
at an all-girls' boarding school in Northern Washington. Even as we
speak, he has called in a naughty cute teen into his office for some
good-natured discipline involving a gag and some electricity. Honest!
He sent me pictures. Bad Betty! Bad girl. That ruler must have really
hurt, eh gals? One of them got mad at Uthyr, and stepped on his foot
real hard with a stilletto heel. His foot's mangled real bad, as he
is hobbling on it like Frankenstein's monster. Check out the monster,
kids! Fire BADDDD!
Brew's still drunk. And stinkin' of cheese.
Did I mention how shagadelic and groovy Brew and I were
at Norwescon, the fine sci-fi convention we Daos attended a month ago
in the Emerald City? I was the very image of Austin Powers, while Brew
was the embodiment of Dr. Evil, my nemesis. Oh yeah, Asshammer played
a role as Number Two too, and did an excellent job with Brew's balding
head. The pic is displayed for your viewing pleasure. YEAH, BABY, YEAHHHH!
We were a hit, which wasn't too hard 'cuz the parties really sucked.
Fiona is now the Booger Queen. Have I mentioned I was
the Booger King once? She is still drunk, as well. Ian too. Trust me,
it's good for them. Flossie too.
Belsac was officially voted in at Booger as the Household
Stooge Toadie. The Ceremony was performed in an enclosed space, as Spunky
Cheese knighted Belsac in the Ballsy One's personal gold Biffy (imported
from Naples) with a particularly potent piece of Limburger Cheese. Belsy
still wears it around his neck proudly, he likes to touch it with his
idle hands.
Well, that's all I have to say. Eden's kind of getting
anxious, she's yelling at me, somethin' about a whippin' and feathers
and tar. I'm a comin', boss! Yassuh! I'm a comin'! Damn Prophet title
is gettin' to her head....! (SLAP!) OWWWWWWWW!!!! Never mind I said
that. Here comes The Asshammer! Comin' YOUR WAY, KIDDIES...........!
-Sincerely, Zealous Apostle (and the Princess' Jedi
Boytoy) Randall P. Gwynplaine Coltraine of Daos of Hazzard County. Hehehehehehyeh!
Oh, and Boss Holy Fool Too. Yeah, that's it. May the Farts be with you,
Damon.
The Purgeatorium!
with Spunky Cheese Esq. Well here I am elavated to the status of ASSistant editor. The
first thing thing I'd like to say is, "Get that silly-assed Randy fool
off the children's nyquil!"
Yes, Lord Asshammer lost a humiliating defeat in two
arenas, to women no less! The first in Boogarism and the second in profiteering.(no
I'm no damn Feringi damn it! That's Balsac's job!) Those power hungry
wenches may have won now! Just wait until next year when Lord Asshammer
will be sober!
I would like to take a moment to point out that someone
was cheated of his rightful title of "Boogar King". Kahless was totaly
slighted for the eating of Balsac's purging! He should be king! Balsac
should have been a close second for said purging! Although I was awfuly
impressed with her Ex-fallen Hiney's tapeworm eating skills. (and yes,
you should get a fanny tuck.) Not to mention her previously undiscovered
ability to brown wash her tent. Sort of like when I played the insidious
game of "THREES".
That damn bitch Flossy is trying to sue yours truly
for palimony and back wages. That bitch ain't getting one pinch of salt
from my coffers! Really, after all, she gave me hoof and mouth as well
as anthrax! Gotta watch those V.D.'s! Trust me kids I've seen them all!!
I even went blind once! Well anyway, that bitch went to Geraldo to fink
me out. $50,000 and an NBC movie of the week later, yours truly stands
at the brink of a parapit. If you ask me, I'm jumping! Can't be any
worse that than that case of food poisoning I'd heard so much about,
or that damnable Star Wars movie!
I've moved in with my new love Dearie. Sex couldn't
be any better. She's an exhibitionist! Just look at the photos!{insert
photo here} More of these can be found here at the Daos web site for
your viewing enjoyment. [continued below]
Guess what?! We are adding NEW features to the Oracle,
like this one I'm test driving now!:
It's time for "ASK AUNT CRABBY"! Brought to you by Tang
Breakfast Drinks (tm)-- "It was good enough for the astronauts, so it's
good enough for lowlifes like you!" TANG! By the way, these are all
real honest to gosh letters sent in by DAOS wannabees, and even Gooths
like Damon! (This is for all of dem Daos wimmin out dere! Courtesy of
Spunky.)
Dear Aunt Crabby, Dear Soiled in Salem: Dear Aunt Crabby, Dear Dumber Than a Doornail: Dear Aunt Crabby, Dear Brown Nasty Stinkfinger: Dear Aunt Crabby, Dear What Do I Do?: How's that for a fist installment? I think Aunt Crabby
will be one of our most popular features in the months to come, don't
you?
Another is "SPUNKY'S SAFETY TIPS": Web Sites to watch -Spunky Cheese, Co-Editor Emeritus, and generaly all-around
crazy individual!!!
Cuming soon (for your beer): The History of Farts, and
Farts In Many Languages. First off I'd like to say that the reports of my drunkenness
at Boogar were greatly exaggerated! Hell, Brownyn, the former Boogar
Queen passed out LONG before I did and I never once spewed up my precious
alcohol. However, please no more hooves of devilishly delightful and
most evil alcoholic concoction! I don't think I even want to know what
was in that.
What kind of prophet am I, you ask? My prediction is
that I'll be organized though not overly so (I'm a lazy slob at heart);
I'll do my best to keep all household members up to date on current
household events and direction; I'll be supportive of any and all constructive
ideas (especially if someone wants to take initiative and implement
them); and I am very enthusiastic about our incredible household!
I have several ideas of ways to entertain ourselves
this year. Most of them center around things to do during the day which
tends to be very slow between the time the hangover wears off and the
hour that serious drinking begins again. I would like to have some short
silly skits done during the afternoon. You will be able to see an example
of this during Egils when we'll bring to you THE INQUISITION VS. THE
LEPERS. Seen probably around 3pm on Saturday (weather and hangovers
permitting). I also have some ideas for things that we (i.e. whoever
wants to) can do at events in our formal Daos robes that most of us
so rarely use. These would include Monty Python-style processions through
Merchant Row, rude (though official sounding) chants at Daos fighters,
as well as anything that people can think up that wouldn't get us kicked
out of the event.
Finally I would like to remind you (as well as myself
because I occasionally forget this), we're here to have FUN. Any constructive
ideas on things we can do, new ideas, etc. to make our event season
more enjoyable both for ourselves and for our audiences please bring
it up!
--Eden the -occasionally- Mad (but only when the wine
runs out) Prophet of Daos
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MAD RAVINGS OF THE
ZEALOUS (CO-)EDITOR!
