House Daos - Oracle Page

"So it has been written!
So it shall be done!"

Winter 99

MAD RAVINGS OF THE ZEALOUS EDITOR

Greetings, my fellow ingrates! And happy fuckin' new year! Boy, did it bite, or what?! I think that boy Prince had it all WRONG! Well, to begin with... Say, what's that flapping sound? Do you hear it? I don't see anything, yet I feel so much...colder. Yipes! Something's got ahold of my head! Ewwwwwwwww.....! (CHOMP--SHLUUUURP)

(HEAVIER, ECHO-TYPE VOICE) Heed your new master, ameobas! Enter the dawn of a new age of Daos in chaos! What harkens this new age, you may ask? [Shluuurp] To begin with, we have seen the future in the Moronnium to come, as experienced on this New Year's. Black-lighted ultraviolence accompanied by zero-gravity orgies will commence post haste, with a smattering of tweeker barbarian assaults (best consumed in a nice white gravy after a honey basting--yum). I've read the stars as they glowed on the condomized walls of the holo-deck, and foresaw many portents of good sex--big sex--hard sex--rough sex! What does this mean to your average working Joe, with two and a half spawn, and a broken down Cadilac in the driveway? Nothing really, they have chosen the simple route of brainless dirt-grubbing, and would wince in dismay at the sight of such free-spirited behaviour! [FLAP-FLAP-THLTHLTHLTHL-SHHHLOBBER]. But speaking merely in averages would be fruitless, the dirt-grubbers have existed throughout time, and would only dim the halls of antiquity if they were part of the equation. Their brains are best reserved as a delicacy for Star Vampires and French porn stars. Instead we speak of those warped and foolhardy enough to dare for individuality, like many of The Oracle readers and affiliates of the Daos, with or without relish and tomatoes, onions preferentially on the side. Read herein of Dirk Diggler’s answers to naked questions thrust at him by the Daos zealots, the new-improved portable auto-shower, and commentary from that adorable yuppy-scum (I'd consume his soul if he hadn't already sold it to the I-Zod, the Lesser God of Physicism) Belzac. Condoms and condiments, condemnation with my compliments! [WROOOARRR-CRUNCH] All presented to you in a shiny aluminum wrapper, my tender morsels, courtesy of yours truly, the guest Oracle Editor, Cthulu, Dark God of Chaos, awakened briefly from his slumber for your eternal damnation!!! HAhahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHA--eh? HEY!? Let me go, filthy human! I'll feed on your epidermally damaged carcass!

Beep. Beep.

NO, you say!? (Schluurp) Now you must die..wait, don't fire that phaser, I have sensitive tentacles! NOOOOOOOOOO! (slithers away after laser blast)

Beep.

(slowly recovering, a bit woozy after the head wound) Pi...Pike? PIKE!! Cap'n Chris Pike, me ol' friend?! You saved me! How's it shakin'?

Beep. Beep.

Oh, yeah...sorry, I forgot, you're practically a vegetable. It's a good thing your accident didn't effect your schlong, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to fire that phaser! What say you and I check out some Orion green slave girls on the strip?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Be....

Hey, calm down, tiger! No rush. But y'know, something, Pike? I think ol' Cthulu did me a favor, ripping out part of my frontal lobe there, I feel so much... freer. And I have a special message for all of you "freethinkers" out there, courtesy of the born-again Fool: As the Fletch once said, "Friends...fuck." Cthulu has shown me the way! It's fuckbuddies forever, baby! Dump your current significant others! Variety is the banquet of lust! Who needs that relationship crap? Obviously, Cthulu doesn't, and he's evidently got ahold of the clueless SCA a looong time ago!! So repeat after me, and chant the new (?) Daos mantra, and let go of any principles you may possess...no one else around here has them, you little fool! Join the jabberwocky, friends! Repeat after me: FRIENDS...FUCK! FRIENDS...FUCK! FRIENDS...FUCK! FRIENDS...FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCKKKKKK!!! Now, it is time to SLAP MY BITCH UP!

(Cthulu joins his friends the Fool & Pike into the sunset, slithering down the yellow brick road) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Schluuurp, whoarrrr! Beep.

-Editor Randall Gwynplaine the Holy Fool, Zealous Apostle of Daos and Newly-Licensed Male Prostitute (I don't do Bar Mitzvahs); guest-starring Cthulu, whose voice really sounded a lot like Uthyr's for some strange reason....

INTERVIEW--ENTER THE DIRK! (a candid conversation with Dirk Diggler aka Mini-Pad, Daos' very own resident porn actor!)

ORACLE: Ok Dirk, what sort of gay porno star are you?
DIRK: The world's greatest and most famous one of all. Basically I'm just a big bright shining star that's about to explode all over the place.
ORACLE: What do you eat to get your high protien milkshakes to come out so good?
DIRK: Actually I eat a special genetically-engineered humis made for me by the Princess of the Lesbians, an ex co-star.
ORACLE: Balsac says he'll dress as a woman to have a night of kinky sex with Scully. What do you think of that Dirk?
DIRK:Well, we've all went to the brink of disaster over a kinky night with scully, but truly Balsac has gone too far.
ORACLE: Flossy has been one of your biggest sexual conquests. What does her proposal of marriage mean to you?
DIRK:Frankly, nothing. I've always been afraid of committment and Flossie is no different. A sheep of another name is still a sheep.
ORACLE: Alabama white snake: Con, or myth?
DIRK: It's a con. Sometimes it gets a little difficult to walk, but it's the price I have to pay for being bestowed with such an... enormous... gift.
ORACLE: Which do you like more? A cushion for the pushin', or a lean mean racing machine?
DIRK: It all depends upon my mood at the time. It's like the difference between red and white wine; one is good with deep hard red meat, and the other good with tender fish.
ORACLE: Burt Reynolds was your gay lover in the film "Booger Nights". How do you respond to the allegations that he is a straight man?
DIRK: It's a lie, and the pictures prove my side!
ORACLE: Did you have enhancement surgury for that tube steak of yours? And how many people swallowed?
DIRK: No, this is all natural, a gift from God. As for how many have swallowed, far too many to possibly count.
ORACLE: Mistress Morgasum says that you lack true depth. Can you reply to this?
DIRK: Why would I have depth? I do not need to take down my own manhood! Madam Morgasum is just bitter because she couldn`t handle it.
ORACLE: Do you prefer the in stroke or the out stroke?
DIRK: The side stroke actually.
ORACLE: Do you leave your sperm in a peanut butter jar like Randy, for easy collection? And do you take it to the Sperm bank to collect easy money?
DIRK: I use jam jars instead. As for the easy money, no, I just save them for my own use as cooking spices.
ORACLE: How would you compare your martial arts skills to Jackie Chan? Tell us about your special Butt-Foo techniques.
DIRK: Fighting, or fucking, it's all the same to me. I just have to whip out my engorged member, and start shaking it around, and all the bastards will start dropping like flies. When I give them a shot to the eyes with my hot steaming load, they have no defense! They are usually blinded for life. Now flock off!!

Thank you for the interview Dirk. We all here at the Oracle hope you get a handle on your masturbation problem, and that you return soon to spoodge on Randy's new (?!) purple shoes, that Christian has bestowed upon him. (They're "special"!)

Guest Editorial by Belsac.

Hi-dill-lee-ho Daos-Ronnies. It is I Belsac, leader of men, Erkel-Inspired Follower of Women and F.O.P. Extraordinaire with a VERY special guest editorial. First I'd just like to say SCULLY IS NOT A LESBIAN! You just say that because you are all a bunch of slack jawed knuckel dragging spitefull bastards who refuse to acknoledge the fact that Scully has a thing for short balding men! Secondly I'd just like to caution anyone thinking of couch surfing in the same room as Spunky. He makes funny whimpering noises and one night woke up screaming "RANDY, YOU REALLY GOT WHAT I NEED, OH BABY ... GIVE IT TO ME WITH THE WOMBAT!"

BELSAC'S 1999 PREDICTIONS

Scully will dump Moldy-dude for a short balding man.

There will be more sighting of the Rand-Squash.

Brew's hair loss will continue uninterrupted.

Uthyer will come out of the closet but discover he can't be gay because his wardrobe sucks.

Keg will go postal ...again.

Antone (mini-pad) will start wearing women's clothing claiming it's stickly "a comfort thing." Furthermore he will also finally admitt that those were his underware in the wine fountain.

Spunky Cheese will create a comic book series based on the Daos, make a million dollars, then stop hanging out with us because he now thinks we're just too bourgousie for his upper class taste.

And now for something completely different: Belsac's impression of Ned Flanders (TV show The Simpsons) in a porno.

Hi-dill-lee-ho there fellow porno-roonies! Ready for some cum-did-ill-lee action? Come watch me put my thing-a-lee-ding-a-lee in your hoo-haw. Ohhhhh that's so Erkel!

-Pilgrim Belsac

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